Stillness

cowboy

Hm.

Everything seemed like a blur caught up in a continuum of uncertainty – academics, family life, social circles,(at least my love life was brimming with hope), and the future.

Especially the future. I had always been weary of change – which is but the feeling of starting things over again from scratch and working your way up, that’s what change is, isn’t it? Even though we say change happens for “good” – we’re but merely blinded by our illusions of the multiple possible routes our life might take, and in that process forgetting the fact that every time change comes ’round the corner we go back to square one. It’s like the refresh button in your PC, except in reality change refreshes the whole programming or coding of what was to be your life, with a clouded image of what your life is going to be. If change is the constant – uncertainty is the answer.

Parasitically stillness spread its roots for about a month or so during when all I did was sit idly, procrastinating and rambling about how A-Levels was such a drag. I felt very astral –  out of my element so to speak and my very existence seemed to be frozen in time. Seconds, minutes, days,  and weeks, all seemed the same – tasteless and numb.

However,the back of my mind did scream optimistically, “there is an answer and a way out of this chaos,find it! or you’ll be caught up in this prevailing void of silence”.

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Hello, North.

north1

A 60 day account of my journey to the capital of India – Delhi.


Prologue

A-Levels was such a drag.

I started out in 2013 when I was 17 and now I was 20 – soon 21. Failure was something of a common theme in my life – something I knew very well and sometimes better than those that called themselves my friends. However, I was happy that I had explored a range of subjects – biology, chemistry, physics, applied computers, food science, psychology, sociology, art and deign and literature. I was a jack of all trades or rather I felt like the master of Jack himself.

Finally my choice of subjects boiled down to the humanities after I refused to take my biology and chemistry exams in 2015 and flunked them in 2016. There was something amiss though , I felt that if I continued at school – where all of us were moving at this stupendously sluggish pace, I would age well into my early 30s! So I decided to leave which caused a butterfly effect as so did my at the time girlfriend, and a bunch of other senior students. It must’ve been quite a loss for a school of 50 to have 15 of us slide off like an avalanche – just like that. Gone.

I felt quite dreary and  exhausted having studied in the same school for nearly a decade! Ha at least my sister will beat my record. I was glad that I had made this decision because now I would not be a ‘product’ of a school, and all my certificates at 12th grade would spell out loud the words ‘Private Candidate’!

Funnily enough within six months of preparation I appeared for my exams and, guess what?                                                                                                                                                         I did well in English Literature, just passed sociology and flunked psychology! So the cycle repeats itself once more…

Of course there was an outburst at home and a sea of tears – as is the case, in 90 percent of Indian homes whether the son/daughter did exceedingly well (my sister) or were an academic disaster (me), and this time I was not alone. My sister (thank God) had sadly failed too – for I have never ever, ever known a time when she got anything below a higher A or B. This time my parents were dead serious with me and there was talk about throwing me out the house or even worse disowning me – well the former was just a nicer way of putting the latter.

Anyway I told myself – “I was made for learning, not donkey work (studying).”